Hello and happy end of the year day! I’ve just come across a post written by the Occuplaytional Therapist on Facebook, about board games and how difficult they can be for young children, and for some older children too. I’ve shared on my blog before about how our PDAer struggled with most board games - any games, in fact, that she hadn’t made the rules up for!
What I read today prompted me to look at my blog and search for any post including the words board games, and it showed me an old post about screen time. Sasha was around 11 years old when I wrote this.
I’ve had a busy year (despite our PDAer rarely leaving the house!) but this few minutes reminded me ahead of the New Year that there are many old posts on my blog that might help others - and resharing them here to Substack is one way I can make them more visible. Of course I’d love to write fresh posts but with the upcoming book launch that is unlikely to be happening just yet… maybe later this year! So please bear with me if you’ve read this before, but if not I’d love to know what you think of it and how games and screen time are happening in your house?!
Screen time has become a buzz word of the 2000's. Back when I was growing up, it just wasn't an option to have so much screen time; many families were lucky if they had one screen to share! Today I came across a great post from Yvonne Newbold, called Screen-Time and SEND children - How to get the balance right. In it, she reminds us that back 'in the good old days', there were other worries for families. In another 20 years time, there'll probably be a different worry which we haven't even thought of yet.
Personally I've had to let go of any pre-conceived ideas of how much screen time is suitable when it comes to our younger daughter. For Sasha, her iPad, the laptop and various gaming consoles are her main forms of entertainment. Tools for her to be creative, and also a way of relieving stress and winding down after school and at weekends.
She doesn't enjoy reading (understatement of the year; she has been known to scream at the sight of a book), struggles to play board games with others due to high levels of anxiety over losing and she's not generally a fan of TV or movies. She does enjoy craft activities occasionally, but only when she's in the right mood and has an idea for something herself - she rarely allows others to suggest projects for her.
This weekend I managed to persuade Sasha to help me paint the downstairs toilet room. Getting her involved made me feel happy and like I deserved a medal all at the same time. Every other weekend since New Year we've been roller skating at the nearest rink; Sasha's decision to try a new activity and the fact she has actually continued with it has also had me smiling and skipping. This weekend though, we didn't make it to the rink (long story, involving me forgetting whether I had put her roller skates in the car #mumfail) and so it felt as if she was spending even more time on her screens than usual. I get 'twitchy' about it like most parents would, but I know that there's not much I can do to change it - just 'telling' what to do really doesn't work for Pathological Demand Avoidance.
It's much easier for us to keep an eye on the amount of our older daughter's screen time, not least because she attends activities outside of school which keep her occupied and socialising with others. Sasha can't cope with clubs and after school activities; we've tried a few over the years but not many have lasted for any length of time. So she spends a lot of time in the house, and a lot of time with a screen, self-directed. There's an upside to this of course; as Sasha's social circle is very limited (and that makes me sad, because she does want friends so very much), it means that we are not currently having the same issues with social media sites which other girls her age might experience. Sasha was very excited to meet a new girl recently who she instantly clicked with; she happily told me it was because 'she is a gamer too!'
There are times when we manage to engage Sasha in other activities, but the PDA means it's always on her terms. Here's Sasha making a cake at the weekend; we've just made another tonight.
This is largely because she's been watching a lot of cake baking shows on Netflix of late, especially her favourite 'Nailed It!', but also because she wants to make a special cake for her older sister who is appearing on stage in a big show this week. Sasha has even sketched her own design for this double layer cake - hopefully I'll be able to share that with you at some point in the future! So don't ever let anyone say that autistic people generally are not creative or don't have good imaginations, or that too much screen time stunts this opportunity - that certainly doesn't apply to our girl. In fact I'd say that the iPad has taught her much; I've written before about how YouTube is one way in which she is learning how to communicate with others.
We are extremely lucky that Sasha doesn't seem to become overly obsessed with any one game to the exclusion of everything else though. Yes, she loves her Nintendo Switch, particularly Mario and Kirby, but we have been able to enjoy family time together playing these games*, family time which otherwise might not have happened at all. *we must however, always play the same games (Mario Chase and Luigi's Ghost Mansion) over and over, and let Sasha win. Not doing so causes her to become very distressed and takes her a long time to calm down from. Very occasionally we can branch out into some of the many other games we have, but only when Sasha suggests it....
Yes, she knows all there is to know about Pokemon, but she's also created her vision of new Pokemon in the basic Paint app (a graphic tablet is next on her wishlist of gadgets!). She might not want to read books, but she has written her own imaginative stories in the Grammarly app. She will tell you that the iPad is her life, and it's true that she will nearly always have YouTube videos on loop while she plays on the laptop or game consoles - even when not watching the iPad, she seems to find comfort in hearing it on next to her. Is that too much?! I'm sure for many parents, they would feel it is. They don't live with my child though; I have to have confidence and faith in my own ability to judge what is best for her.
For those shocked at the thought of letting a child have so much screen time because of what it might do to the child or how it might influence them, I'd gently suggest that nobody really knows whether it's a bad thing for my child. Of course we monitor her activity; this part we do feel is highly important. I would be surprised if you could come back to me in 40 years time and prove all our girl's future problems are caused by too much iPad time. Yvonne's article covers many great points which are relevant to us and to many others I'm sure, so I'd encourage everyone to read it with an open mind.
We had an ‘interesting’ Boxing Day this year when Sasha’s ipad screen suddenly went blue and then black. It hasn’t turned back on since. I am feeling immensely relieved that at some point in the last year I must have finally succumbed to turning on and paying for the icloud service. That has been a lifesaver for us, and that’s no exaggeration. Her ipad is the most important item in her life right now so I’m glad this has been something we were able to (kind of) fix. I know that sounds dramatic and I know some will judge me for expressing this, but equally I know there are many families who understand what a big deal this was. Brings to mind the old saying ‘those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind’.
So that’s part of the message I’m passing on to other parents at the end of this year as we go into the next, along with a nudge to remind you to be kind to yourselves. Parenting is not something we win or lose at, it’s a constant learning process.
Get in touch via stephstwogirls@gmail.com or reply to this email to let me know what you think about board games and screen time!
I hope you all find some joy and calm ahead in 2024,
This is really helpful, thank you! My 5 and 8 yo are both PDAers, and board games cause huge upset, even as we are a family of board gamers...! Both kids are vvv into their iPads/laptops/TV (they get the first 2 through school funds bc we homeschool in the US). It’s a constant struggle for me and my husband bc it always feels too much! And we struggle with content limitation too: they hate YouTube kids and our TV has regular YouTube that we can’t remove, so it’s been a back and forth on that. The algorithm (and they love scrolling through a feed of videos!) puts more and more teenage stuff in front of their eyes...
We’ve had huge screaming meltdowns about trying to enforce YouTube kids only--we really can’t enforce it, either. How do you do content moderation?
She also plays Roblox and I’ve no idea how to prevent her playing certain games on there, and some of them aren’t suitable either. It makes me said that my 5 yo has working knowledge of stuff far too old for him!